Truth

Something I’ve been experiencing lately is the difference between my emotions and what is actually true. Emotions are wily things that try to convince you that what you feel is the reality around you. Sometimes that simply isn’t true.

Now before any of you worry too much about me cutting off my emotions and bottling my feelings, I’d like to say one thing. There was a point in my life (I’d say, up until three years ago) when I didn’t really experience any feeling. I was quite numb and useless in many situations where emotions are completely relevant. Often times I would find myself asking what a normal person would be feeling and how they would react because I knew my own natural response was devoid of any human feeling.

I began to realize that being emotionally barren wasn’t normal and started to evaluate what could have caused this response of shutting down my emotions. After reflection and prayer I was able to root out the source of the problem. At some point in my life it had been communicated to me that emotions were a sign of weakness, and if you showed them any point you were trying to make was made invalid. In other words, emotions weren’t worth much, and in order to have value I needed to stop having them. So, I did.

After discovering the root of my problem, I started praying that God would open up that part of me again, that I would have access to those things which make being human so achingly unique and special. Gradually, (so gradually that I did not even notice when it began to happen) God gave me back my emotions. This was a significant event in my life as it unfolded because it enabled me to feel the joy and the pain of others. It allowed me to mourn with them and rejoice with them. I think this made me a better friend and follower of Christ.

So, friends, to get back to the beginning of this entry: sometimes there is a difference between my emotions and what is actually true. Lately this has come in the form of my relationships with men. Or one man in particular. The man I shared the gospel with, which led him to surrender His life to the loving Lordship of Christ. This situation was very foreign to me because in college I rarely shared the gospel in this coffee-shop sort of way. Hopefully I was living it out daily for people to see, but as for sitting down with someone to purposefully show them the road that God is calling them down, that was new. So was sharing it with a guy.

In the beginning God’s love was coming through me to him, and so my own emotions were uninvolved. Then as our relationship progressed, as they tend to do, my heart did become involved. This man had offered me the very thing my heart desires. A relationship that would eventually end in marriage. Of course, he never came out and proposed, but he was interested in a committed relationship, and said so. This progression was so gradual, I didn’t even notice it, and before I could do anything, it was too late. I had come to care very much for this person, and I was riding the emotional roller coaster to prove it.

I think the roller coaster I was on was particularly extreme with its ups and downs because intermittent with the feelings was the truth. The truth that this was a new Christian who deserved a chance to learn to stand in his faith. The truth that in the deepest part of my heart I knew that I wanted more than this; I wanted a man who could lead me, who could shepherd me in my spiritual life, who could transcend humanness and be Christ to me. And the truth was and is I am willing to wait for this. Despite my emotions telling me to take this opportunity because it felt good, my very soul still desired God’s best, and that is what kept me standing firm in my resolve not to enter into a dating relationship with this man: the truth.

I think God also saw me succumbing to the emotions and caused a situation to happen that has taken them out of the equation. This man and I are still friends, so you needn’t worry about that, but I praise the Lord that He rescued me from the sea I was drowning in by crashing me against the Rock that He is.

There have been many other feelings that I’ve had that aren’t true. The feelings that I am alone and that nobody knows me are prevalent. I am learning to let God speak to those feelings, and some days I am better at it than others, but that is the reality of living in the truth. It is the daily, hourly decisions I make to trust God’s character and His word over what I am feeling.

So as not to discount the validity of emotion I feel the need to say that there have definitely been times too when what I am feeling is true, but here are a few questions I’ve been pondering.

If you didn’t feel this way (whether happy or sad) would you still praise God?

Are you praising God because of how you feel or because of who He is?

Learning to praise God through the sadness or loneliness has been one of the richest experiences of my Christian life. Experiencing this biblical truth in my life fills my soul beyond what I could have imagined for myself. And it is then that I realize I am experiencing contentment. The real kind that Paul spoke of when he was in prison. Being able to praise God even when it is hard or lonely has to be one of the biggest blessings we as Christians have. This does not mean putting on a happy face, but rather acknowledging that God is good whether life is treating us meanly or whether we are in a time of great blessing. And that, my friends, is the truth.

Praise the Lord.
Praise O servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.
The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, and the princes of their people. He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord.

Psalm 113

First Visitor

Just a bit of exciting news. Jenny is coming to visit me tomorrow. By the time I get off work she will be here! I am excited, and I don't know what I will do when I see her. Probably turn into a big puddle.

This is a comparatively short blog compared to my last one. The number of comments makes it apparent that most people didn't make it to the end. It's a good, no, awesome, story about God's love and sovreignty and the His call on someone's life. Ya'll should read it.

Okay, I'm done guilt tripping.

Warning! Extremely Long Blog Follows!

I am sorry it has been so long. As I add more and more to my life (in this case a job), it gets harder and harder to sit down and post something. But here I am on a Sunday evening with some time to spare so I’m taking this time to inform you of what’s been going on down here in the Valley of the Sun.

About a month ago, I had an inconsequential conversation with a guy from work. He worked back in the plant but he had to take care of some paperwork in the office. So, I was helping send a fax and we were talking, and in the course of things he found out I live in Peoria, and it turns out he lives there too. Meanwhile, I faxed his paperwork three times because I wasn’t sure if it went through or not. So, that is about how significant the conversation was. Then about two weeks ago I ran into him again in the lunchroom on my lunch break. He works the first shift from 5 am to 1 pm, so he was just getting off work when I was eating lunch. We had another insignificant conversation about the flavor of yogurt I was eating, and whether or not I’d gone to any of the nightspots in Peoria. When he found out I hadn’t he made the comment that I didn’t get out much. To which I replied, “I do get out, just not to Wet Willy’s!” And with as much indignation as I could muster. Because I’m tired of being conceived as the naïve, innocent, good girl who is overly protected by her family, which I am well aware I am in danger of being, but I just don’t like being judged for it. So, after he saw that little flash he asked what I did do to get out. I told him that I had taken up ballroom dancing knowing full well that this would only perpetuate the stereotype of the good-girl/princess. But by now he was past teasing me for my lack of social life, and was floored by the ballroom dancing admission. But all in all, an insignificant conversation. About an hour after lunch, I’m back in the reception office with my headset on and the phone rings, and for some strange reason I answer it wrong and say, “Good Morning, ~insert company name here~”, but it was well into the afternoon. I was so busy chuckling to myself about this slip I hardly noticed the person at the other end of the phone. But it was the guy.

A not so insignificant conversation ensued about how he liked talking to me because he could tell I was different, and would I be comfortable talking outside of work? After several moments of hemming and hawing, and helping an actual person with their application, I managed to say that he could call me if he wanted and gave him my number. The next day he called and invited me to a baseball game because he had the day off owing to Good Friday, not knowing us office people had to go into work. So, I called him back over my lunch hour, and after some good conversation in which I started my testimony, but couldn’t finish it because of the fact I was driving to Subway and I was on my cell phone, he asked to see me that night. So, right then and there I asked him what he wanted out of this because I don’t date casually, and I didn’t want him to get his hopes up. He explained that he was hoping for potential at the very least and was tired of dating casually. So, I agreed to meet him with the intention of finishing my testimony.

We met at Applebee’s (a nice public place), and right after we were seated, he asked me to finish telling my testimony. So, I started by asking him what he thought about God. He told me he believed in God, and grew up going to church, and wanted to raise a family going to church, but he hadn’t been doing much in that direction for a while. So, I told him my testimony about God. How I was a good girl in high school, with lists of rules for myself to adhere to so I could gain heaven. How I thought I had everything I needed with family, friends and swimming. How all that was altered my freshman year of college, when all I had that kept me full, and blinded to the truth of my emptiness was stripped from me, and I was so alone I could finally hear the quiet voice of God calling to me. And how I finally answered that call. And so, I was finally able to explain to him that the reason I didn’t date causally is because of what the Lord calls me to in my life. That when I am with someone it is for the purpose of glorifying God, and emulating Christ and His church. To all this he said that I was an answer to prayer and that he had ceased to believe that people like me existed.

He started telling me about his life, and through his story I could see all the wounds he had collected, and how a life of partying was what he was doing to cope. But, he said that he wanted what I have. To be living for the Lord.

Since this conversation, I have learned that he was highly churched. I mean to the point of knowing all of the Christian lingo, but he never had any sort of accountability, and so he continued to live life out of his wounds. Well, this past Wednesday I met with him at Barnes and Noble, and talked with him about entering into new life. He had tons of questions about what that would look like, and I could only answer a few because you never know what God will do in your life. Anyway, by the end of the night I prayed with him, and he either recommitted his life to Christ or committed his life to Christ for the first time. Praise the Lord! He has started reading his Bible and is in the gospel of John. He went to church this Sunday, and wants to get involved in one of their men’s groups. Praise the Lord!

If you have made it this far, then I’m going to ask you to pray that he would continue to grow in the Lord and really set down roots. Pray that he would meet really godly men that will run alongside him, and can bring him closer to the Lord so that he can deal with his wounds and his past in light of what the Lord has to say about them.

All through this extremely exciting situation I have been able to simply be a vessel of God’s love to this man who didn’t believe God could love him or change him. It has been a great miracle to witness! Praise the Lord!